This post is dedicated to the girl who said,”nice guys finish themselves off, and that’s all I have to say about that” in my Nice Guys Finish Last post. The same girl mentioned to me that she was struggling to find a hot FWB. WHAT? ( I gasped in my mind) No man friend?!!?! (I gasped again) I was shocked because she’s a smokeshow, who wouldn’t want to tap that? She was all like:
Sex is not such a big deal – I don’t want to have it with everyone, or with strangers. My ideal situation is a hot guy friend who lives close to me, who I can have sex with and watch stupid movies with. A boyfriend comes with jealousy… like I don’t care if he then hooks up with other people. I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t like having to consider another person when I make my life decisions.
I couldn’t help her. So, I did what I always do when I don’t know. I bother everyone else. To get a better perspective, I talked to 15 of my friends about their thoughts on FWB, and then came up with a survey of 10 questions based on what they said / wanted to know from the other sex. I was so overwhelmed by the results! After posting the survey on FaceBook and Twitter, 90 people (40 male, 50 female) took my survey in a little over 24 hours. If you’ve been wondering why it took me so long to write this, it’s because I got way more information than I was expecting.
Question 1: Are you male or female?
40 Male, 50 Female
Question 2: What are your thoughts on friends with benefits?
“A FWB could make a great wife if she cooked.” – my guy friend after reading this entire blog post
“never works” – female
“Its almost like the perfect situation until someone starts to catch feelings.” – female
“Well, it is all dependent on the girl. If she has the sex drive of a guy and doesn’t get clingy and you can hang out with her then it’s perfect.” – lad
“I thinks it’s fine? Unless she is a really bad fuck, and then whenever you see her, you have an internal awkward moment thinking of how awful she is.” – male
“very convenient during snow storms.” – male
“Bitches aintshit” – male
“Does not exist. don’t go out to dinner. as soon as one realizes it’s not going anywhere, its downhill” – male
“it works as long no one or not many people know about it because once it’s being discussed/asked about with friends it becomes relationship-y” – female
“Cool with me, as long as you both agree to stop when someone admits feelings and both agree to not be weird assholes about it.” – female
“If they’re just a casual acquaintance then maybe it could work, but it doesnt work with good friends. You already like each other enough to be close, and if you like them sexually too, then whats the difference then between that and dating them?” – female
“it can work for a little while but after a certain points it’s nearly impossible not to develop an emotional connection” – female
“I think men like it more than most women. It’s awesome if you’re just looking for that booty call.” – male
“I don’t think it is realistic. I would call it a relationship once sex is introduced” – male
“all about it. the more benefits, the merrier.” – female
“i think its a girls nature to cling. you can go into the situation thinking “this time, i wont care. i’ll use him” but in the end, it never changes. at least in my experience haha.” – female
“I used to think it was a legitimate option but now I think I’d just end up wanting something more.” – female
“not a bad idea” – male
“Poop” – male
“I’d feel used so it’s def not for me but if other women can deal with it I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.” – female
“I don’t really understand it, but I’ve considered it this past Summer after a bad break up and I felt lonely. This one guy was down to fuck…but when it came to us hangin’ out and gettin’ to know each other…he totally turned me off therefor I couldn’t sleep with him. So yeah…it’s not something that’s for me.” – female
“Win-win relationship” – male
“what’s better?” – male
“best shit ever” -female
“yes. just do not give me a fucking nickname” – male
“yes” – male
“as a goodlooking guy, its annoying and unrealistic. i dont want to be an asshole btu i usually have to be just so girls leave me the fuck alone. i got out of a 4 year relationship junior year of college, and there is no way i want another one for a while. everytime i find a chill girl who wants to hook up, great. but im just not going ot date you. girls don’t get it and call me an asshole.” – male
“it needs to be honest. you cant have games in a FWB situation… it’ll ruin whats so great about have a friend with benefits – it is straight forward. it would be awesome to be able to hookup with someone i super comfortable with and not play games about it but i think its hard to find a guy that i can do that with. because i also dont want to be treated like shit. like i think it takes a certain person to be able to be that casual with and not develop an attachment or for things to get weird” – female
“it’s just a way to make a booty call sounds better and less crude. you can’t be friends and have sex at the same time. I’m not against it i’m just saying that the term friends with benefits is not appropriate. because if you are really friends with a girl or a guy you should respect them enough not to want to have sex with them and then just forget about it” – male
“it’s a cheap relationship. you want to have sex? have a one night stand. you want to have good sex? earn it or give up your pride/dignity when you get hurt/embarassed down the line” – female
“If they’re able to have their cake and eat it too, most guys would keep it that way. It rarely works out the Ashton and Natalie way. And it only worked out in her favor because she’s super hott, so of course he’d want to make it exclusive. They should have a friend’s with benefits movie about how it gets really awkward and ruins the hope of a potential relationship” – female
“if ur down to keep it casual keep it casual and dont ask quesitons. why are all you hoes crazy?” – male
“FUCK THAT. I’ve been chasing the same guy for 2 years convincing myself that he likes me because he sleeps with me and we’re friends. Then he got a girlfriend and I pretended to not care, and waited for him to realize I was cooler. They broke up, he slept with me again, but has yet to ask me out. FWB is just a way for guys to stay on the market and have sex at the same time. I deem this impossible.” – female
“wish it was for me, but I only hook up with guys I have feelings for.” – female
Question 3: Is FWB the option you give someone when you don’t like them enough to date them?
52 % of girls said yes
50% of guys said yes
Question 4: Biggest difference between how you treat someone you want to date vs. someone you want to be friends with but still sleep with
“no games if you want to date someone” – girl
“Spend money on them. With condoms and liqueur being the exception.” – guy
“If you don’t want the complications of dating someone. You don’t have to always talk and you have the freedom to not talk to them for days if you don’t want to.” – girl
“if you’re not my girlfriend, i can go 2 weeks without talking to you and you’re not gonna cry about it” – guy
“If I want to date someone I wait on their texts, want to spend time with them, be cute, hold hands… with a fwb I forget to answer texts, don’t wanna hang out…” – girl
“I feel like when you want to date someone you always feel like you need to play games. When you have a friends with benefits communication is straight forward which is why I think it usually works so well… No one is left guessing” – girl
“If you want to date someone, you take them out on dates and actually pay, you talk to them to get to know them as a person and you talk to them throughout the day. FWB you contact when you want a have sex and you dont go out on dates with each other.” – girl
“i try to make sure i don’t come off as “easy” with someone i’d like to date” – girl
“You don’t put out as easily vs. put all of it out” – girl
“i’m gonna text you a lot more if i wanna date you” – guy
“no drunk texting when you actually like someone… its fucking annoying” – dude
“For a friend that I want to sleep with I tend to rationalize with the friend several reasons why it’s okay to sleep with each other. For someone I want to date, I’d much prefer the more affectionate relationship first — sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, etc — and then moving onto the sex.” – man
“If you’re sleeping together, then you are dating. Period.” – bro
“you can hang out with the person you want to date without having sex. whereas in a FWB situation, i feel pressured to have sex during the time we’re hanging out because of the “with benefits” part.” – girl
“If I want to date someone I don’t sleep with them right away. Men lose interest if women give it up to easily everyone knows/or should know that.” – lady
“you listen to them. i mean really listen” – girl
“if i want to date you, I remember your last name. I ask about stupid shit like your paper or exam. I introduce you to my friends” – guy
“Treat her as your lady VS treat her as your fantasy” – male
“Polite gentility vs. ripping off my pants and roaring in virile fury.” – male…
“Over like 3 hookups a girl starts to get clingy/possessive and you have to stop hooking up with her. A girlfriend you see a future with and genuinely want to spend as much time with her as possible and a friend with benefits is a girl that you can have sex with and if u don’t want to hang out with her for a week it doesn’t matter.” – guy
“A girl I want to date I would take out to dinner and take it slower. A girl I just want to hook up with I would take out to drink with her friends and mine and see what happens.” – guy
“A girl I actually want to date I would tell more about myself and and bout my family and my past and a girl I want to hook up with I tell her what I’m doing now and what I plan to be doing in the future nothing about my family.” – guy
Question 5 was for girls
If a guy only wanted to hook up with you, and then stopped because he didn’t want you to be clingy… what is your opinion of the guy?
“he’s a pussy”
“Umm. I guess that would suck if he didn’t tell you before. But I’ve done that before so I understand why they don’t want someone who’s clingy. I would probably think he’s an asshole at the time”
“Weird… never experienced that tho cause I’m not really clingy and I’m not one of those girls who just claim that they’re not clingy”
“Well if the girl knew ahead of time that all the guy wanted was sex…then you can’t really blame him. BUT if I were the girl I could not help but be a little upset and think the guy was pretty immature and kind of an ass. don’t fucking call me clingy”
“he’s acting like a little bitch”
“Oh my god I just slept with Kanye West.”
“If he actually SAID that to me, I would probably say you’re a fucking idiot, shut up and don’t talk to me like that. If he stopped texting me with no explanation, I’d be like you’re a douche. If he said he doesn’t want to be exclusive, I’d be like okay he’s just a single guy and that’s fine. If he just wanted to be friends and not hook up at all, I’d get over it -the time is took depends on how much I like him. But if he was REALLY my friend in the first place then I’d still want to be friends with him and hang out as friends.”
“he’s an idiot because i’m awesome”
“all girls are all insane and he’s doing him and the girl a favor by stopping it before she gets clingier.”
“if he established that from the onset then it sucks but I don’t think he’s an asshole. If he led me to believe there was something more when that’s not what he wanted, it’s not fair.”
“a. he is over-reacting and has baggage. b. he thinks too highly of himself.”
“don’t stalk a guy and he won’t break it off”
“I’m a male. But if I were a girl, and I were a black widow spider, or a praying mantis, my opinion would be “I think that guy would taste good. I’m going to try to eat him.”
Question 6 was for guys
What is a real life example of a girl being “too clingy”?
“starting more than 60% of the text conversations”
“when girls get ready before going out”
“A girl that’s too clingy is a girl that becomes pissed off if you miss any free moment in your day to communicate with her. Basically, a girl that doesn’t understand living independently of each other is healthy and, instead, wants to become a single entity.”
“asking me about my day”
“Staying really late in the morning if it’s just a one night stand. I hate bitches who want breakfast after a 1 night stand, get the hell outta my bed hoe. Or just following your every move after you run into each other while out at night.”
“stalking you when you’re out.. stalking you to find out where you’re going by talking to your friends… stalking you at the place you are at together… always in the background of my pictures looking at me. don’t think i don’t know what you’re doing. i’m not accusing you of doing it because i don’t want to hear you try to defend yourself, forcing em to talk/listen to you more. let it happen.”
“asking about my family”
“keeps calling / texting after I don’t answer… maybe i didn’t get 1 text or 1 call.. but i definitely got your 3 texts and 4 missed calls”
“not having the emotion at the same level would place the girl in “too clingy” category”
“Black widow spiders. Also, praying mantises.”
“posting stupid inside jokes that don’t exist on my fb wall.. stop looking for attention”
“befriending my friends before i introduce them”
“sending me a picture of your hair after you get it done. fuck off”
“small talk over text… no”
“i hate girls who are really active on facebook.. specifically my facebook. seriously relax.. stop liking everything”
“getting mad and acting bitchy or ignoring me so that i figure out why she’s mad. i do not care, i just want to fuck.”
“texting me the same day that I already saw/hung out with them already.”
“driving by or walking by my apartment/dorm. i know what your car looks like.”
“pretending to like sports. i can tell in the first minute of you talking about a sport if you actually know what you’re talking about or not.”
“girls who act like my fan or my mom.. cant think of specific things but its annoying as fuck”
Question 7: Do you want a friend with benefits?
60% of girls said yes
60% of guys said yes
Question 8: How often do friends with benefits work out in your experience?
This was a really stupid question, and obviously almost everyone said rarely. Almost.
“Like… um… huh. Oh man I knew this guy and it turned out that his girlfriend was a bear and then he called the cops but the cops were bears then he called his mother and was all “MOM HELP MY GIRLFRIEND IS A BEAR.” And his mother said “arwarrarwrarrarrRrarrrr” because she was a bear too. And then he realized that he was a bear. And then I realized that I was a beararawrawrwararwararrarrr”
Question 9: Would you date someone you’ve been sleeping with/have already slept with?
92% of girls said yes
90% of guys said yes
Question 10: Girls who sleep with people they don’t date (are DTF) are gross and guys wouldn’t date one if they can just sleep with them.
16% of girls said yes
48% of guys said yes
(note: 2 guys wrote in the survey that question 10 sucks, one of them said “maybe should be an answer”)
WHAT DID WE LEARN FROM THIS?
I could write a post on every individual question. That would take way too long. There’s just too much I could say, and I think most of you are smart enough to come up with all this on your own. I am pretty incapable of writing analytical essays… ask any of my professors. I can’t organize shit because I go off on tangents. Instead of writing a paper about this, I’m just going to copy and paste the thoughts I had over the last two weeks. Sorry this isn’t COLLEGE, this is THE INTERNET. You really don’t have to read these, but you can if you have nothing better to do. My notes:
- In general, girls have higher expectations for friends with benefits. I noticed that most of the girls mentioned needing respect if exclusivity was missing. Girls, you/we are basically describing a half-boyfriend / open relationship but slightly less. We are asking for too much. You want someone to hang out with and respect you? Get a boyfriend. If you want to watch a movie, watch one with your other friends. Girls focus too much on the “friends” part of friends with benefits. What if I was using the term Fuck Buddy instead? Girls would be like oh that’s totally different. Guys would say it’s the same thing.
- Guys have lower expectations, because if they wanted to put effort in, they’d get a girlfriend. If you’re a girl, and you’re the friend, its not about you respecting the guy. It’s that your guy friend has to do less to reach the goal: sex. He doesn’t have to go out and meet a girl. He doesn’t have to charm her or court someone new and then try to hook up with her and trick her into bed.
- Guys don’t need respect, because they don’t care. Girls want respect, because they care.
- Guys will think girls are being clingy, even if the girl just wants the guy to come over and have sex with her.This is a problem because while our society tries to tell us that gender-roles are no longer applicable, my guy friends will still make a joke about me making them sandwiches. Is it funny? Absolutely. Is it a joke? Kind of, but not really. Jokes aside, in heterosexual relationships, there are still gender roles. Guys still want to chase the girl. Guys still want to be in control of the pace and what’s going on between him and the girl. Once power becomes too equal, which a FWB situation should be, guys freak out thinking this random girl he hooked up with a few times / his friend he’s been sleeping with a few times is planning their wedding.
- Girls are usually not planning a wedding. But, they are often confused about whether or not a guy likes them vs just wants to hook up with them. This is because guys are not as straightforward as they think they are. This is also because girls dismiss guys’ efforts to nicely tell them they are not going to date. Example phrase, “I don’t want a girlfriend/boyfriend.” Girls, this does not mean “let’s see where this goes and eventually you’ll be my girlfriend because you are fairer than all the other ladies in the land.” Guys, sometimes you will have to repeat that phrase, if you have any balls whatsoever, you will say, “you’re a cool girl, I like what we have, but I don’t want a girlfriend.”
- Girls are not always the ones who fall in love at first sight. Guys can be stage 5 clingers. You don’t even have to hook up with them, and they text you and facebook chat you every day/week/weekend telling you that you are such a tease/asking you to dinner/a movie/FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE YOU ARE PATHETIC AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU’RE SO ANNOYING WHERE IS THE OXYGEN I AM BEING SUFFOCATED. Yeah that’s how it feels when you can’t take a hint. Girls stop being stalkers, because that’s what it feels like. I had a stalker once, he used to walk up and down Newbury street because he knew I had no life and ate brunch at the same place every Sunday. He used to OCCUPYMUGAR in the same cubicle on the 5th floor that I sat next to when I actually wanted to study. He drunk texted me. He drunk facebook chatted me. The point of this rant is coming. The point is… girls do this. This is something girls do all the time to guys, and they think guys don’t notice that girls are STALKING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. My girl friends sympathized with this guy, being like awww that’s so cute. And because I have a heart I thought, maybe this is cute? Then I woke up. STALKING IS NOT CUTE, IT’S A CRIME. I wouldn’t want to stay friends with someone who is truly a clinger. BTW, clinger rhymes with MINGER. urban dictionary it bitches.
- Girls: Keep that in mind next time you think a guy you like is unaware of you being a weirdo. Guys: I just described REAL clingy-ness. Keep that in mind next time a girl you’re hooking up with is texting you or wants to see you… she might just want your D. Stop thinking every girl is in love with you, because you’re probably not that awesome. Unless you’re James Franco, a ninja, a pirate or an astronaut.
- Girls want consistency. Guys see consistency as an obligation, and therefor, a relationship. Once upon a time, I tried to convince a guy (and myself) that I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted consistency so I wouldn’t feel used. He was like, “that’s a relationship.” At the time I was like, omg what a douchebag I just said with my own words that I don’t want a relationship. But, he was right. You have to be able to go a week or two weeks without calling or texting someone, and that has to be ok in a FWB situation. You can’t get mad. As someone in my survey said, it’s a win win situation. You’re using eachother. USING. EACHOTHER. Let me just add, a year later that same guy apologized to me for handling the situation like an immature asshole. So the other moral of the story is: guys aren’t stupid, they know when they’re being assholes, and they are probably being assholes because they think you are being clingy, whether you give them a legit reason to think so or they are just full of themselves. OR they aren’t being assholes, and they are just being honest. The truth hurts, but only if you care. Girls!!! Wake up! Accept the truth – suck it up and take it like a man. IN THE BUTT. Just kidding. Unless you want to have butt sex. But seriously, if the truth hurts, that means you care too much… ABORT!!! the baby? Sorry my ritalin isn’t on point right now.
- A person can be at a point in his or her life where they just don’t want a relationship. Let’s say you meet someone who is like “I don’t want a girlfriend right now” and you’re like “ugh he doesn’t like me”. If you met him 2 years later after he slept with 403 anythings that can walk, it could be a different story. Maybe he just got out of a relationship and has baggage. As the wise Drake once said, ” when all the baggage just aint as heavy, and the party’s over, just don’t forget me.” That party could last like 5 years. When a girl gets out of a bad relationship, she rebounds with another relationship. A guy rebounds with a phenomena I like to call a sex bender… sometimes lasting for years. This sex bender may not be a rebound either, it could just be the prebound… the phase before the first real relationship. My point is, sometimes people really don’t want relationships. It’s not you, it’s them. It’s a SEX BENDER. You could be a really fine wine, but they aren’t going to give a fuck right now. Maybe in 5 years they’d appreciate you, but not right now. Right now, you and that cheap ass Svedka bottle are equals, except the Svedka bottle aka THE SLORE is easier/gets you drunk faster. Seriously, what am I even writing right now. If you could punch someone over the internet, and you wanted to punch me right now, I would allow it.
- To the guys who said question 10 sucked… I’m not sure where you are coming from. I think you are coming from the dreamworld in your mind where a girl is not a slut, but she will still sleep with YOU, and YOU alone because you are superior to other guys. That is when you would date her. Or the other dreamworld where you discovered a sex goddess who isn’t a slut for a reason like “she’s not in a sorority” or “she’s european so its classy” or “she’s an artist, she’s just free”. Tell me I’m wrong, or tell me I simplified what you are thinking in your head. Sorry but “maybe” is not a real answer to question 10. Fuck off idiots.
- Back to the whole respecting girls and hanging out before/after hooking up… is FWB a separate term from fuck buddy? Is there a new upper-middle ground? Relationship > FWB > Fuck Buddy > One Night Stand/random hookup ??????? Since divorce has become so popular and acceptable, are we subconsciously replacing marriage with the idea of monogamous relationships? Is FWB the new “casual dating”? Am I annoying the shit out of you right now because I’m imagining that I’m writing this in Carrie Bradshaw’s voice? WTF YOU GUYS I DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER!
- Once someone said to me, or I read, “I’m not a feminist, but the stereotype of women being annoying and only wanting to cuddle is stale.” I’m not a feminist either, and this is a good point. But, it’s still true about me ~teehee~
- I honestly don’t understand anything that I just wrote. If you disagree or agree, leave a comment. NOT ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE THAT SHIT DOESNT COUNT TOWARDS MY BLOG RATINGS. UGH. Just kidding :) Hopefully, I at least made you think / procrastinate studying for finals and writing your final papers.
- I believe in a thing called love.
Thank you everyone who participated in the survey. I care because you care! I also care because I’m a girl, it’s just a thing. And to the girl who I did all of this for, I love you and wish only the hottest manfriends and the best sexy times upon you :)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo hugs and kissies hehehehe follow me on twitter here to see what happens when people ignore my texts, and all I have left to do is talk to the internet.
Good Night, and Good Luck.